


Duet

by Hester (hester4418)



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Episode: s07e16 Workforce, F/M, Hurt, Love, Memory Alteration, Memory Loss, Pain, Prompt Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-30
Updated: 2017-09-30
Packaged: 2019-01-06 15:54:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12214044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hester4418/pseuds/Hester
Summary: My entry for Talsi's "J/C Cutthroat Challenge" (alpha group). The prompt I used can be found in the end notes, because I believe that citing it here would reveal too much. Basically, this is a "Workforce" add-on with some twists.





	Duet

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: _Star Trek: Voyager_ and all its characters belong to Paramount Pictures; no infringement of copyright is intended. The story however belongs to me.
> 
> Many thanks to LauraRoslin for reassuring me that my grammar is still up to par, and to Helen8462 for some well-placed suggestions and the solution that finally allowed me to fix one crucial paragraph!
> 
> A/U because I love A/Us. Most of canon remains intact, but I've tweaked a few details to fit my nefarious scheme... ;-)

Kathryn Janeway woke to the worst headache she could ever remember having. Opening her eyes, she groaned as bright lights seared her retinas, doubling the pain. She flung one arm across her face to block the light, wishing she could drop back into unconsciousness.

Cool hands touched her arm, gently prying it away. "You're awake," a male voice stated. "Are you in pain?"

"My head," she gasped. "It feels like it's about to explode."

"This should help."

Something touched her neck with a faint hissing sound. Immediately, the pain started to ebb.

Cautiously, Kathryn tried opening her eyes again. A smiling man in a blue and black uniform was standing over her.

"Welcome back, Captain," he said.

With his help, she maneuvered into a sitting position and took in her unfamiliar surroundings. "Thank you. Where am I? And what did you just call me?"

His jovial expression at once turned to concern. He picked up a small device from a nearby table and started waving it about her. "What's the last thing you remember?"

Kathryn frowned. Her mind was rather hazy, making the memories hard to grasp. "I was at work, at the plant. There was someone new, a man. He came to me to introduce himself. His name was... Kotay? I'm not sure. Now would you please tell me where I am?" she demanded, not bothering to hide her impatience.

"I'm going to leave that to someone else." Before she could protest, he looked away and raised his voice. "Sickbay to Commander Chakotay. We have a problem."

-==/\==-

Chakotay watched as Kathryn ate, examining each forkful of the unfamiliar food with a critical eye before she tasted it.

"Not bad," she finally commented. "Though it could use some more spice."

He almost laughed out loud. Not only did tonight's menu contain a healthy dose of leola root, but Neelix had also experimented with a new type of condiment he'd procured some weeks earlier. "Living on Quarra seems to have changed your preferences," he remarked, giving her a small smile. "A month ago, you'd never have declared this meal palatable."

"Maybe it's an acquired taste?" she quipped, biting into another piece of leola root with obvious relish.

"It certainly is. Only most of us haven't acquired it so far."

She returned his smile, seemingly becoming more at ease.

He was glad to finally see her opening up. When he'd arrived in sickbay after the Doctor's summons, Kathryn had been livid at being detained without explanation. The Doctor had seen no other way than to erect a force field around her biobed to keep her from storming out of the room.

It had taken the two of them almost half an hour to fully explain the situation to her, and then another half hour until she showed the first signs of believing them. Only when they got Jaffen on the monitor and he confirmed their story did she finally calm down, only to surge up again a moment later and beg Jaffen to come and get her. Chakotay had watched the pair carefully throughout their conversation. Despite the fact that Jaffen had helped uncover the conspiracy, he was a little wary of the man, unsure how much influence he had over Kathryn. That she had evidently started a relationship with the Norvalian on Quarra only added to Chakotay's discomfort, even though he chastised himself for being jealous. Considering how things stood between himself and Kathryn, he had no right to feel that way.

Once their combined efforts had succeeded in calming her again, he'd taken her to the mess hall for dinner. She was still dressed in one of her Quarran outfits, having refused to don the casual clothes Chakotay had fetched from her own wardrobe. Passing crew members greeted her respectfully, but she was visibly unsure how to react to them.

"I recognize some of these people," she said, leaning toward Chakotay so she could keep her voice low. "They work with me at the plant."

"They do work with you, but here aboard _Voyager_ ," he explained patiently. "They all had their memories altered, just like you. And they've all been through the same treatment to get their original memories back."

"Looks like it worked better on them than it did on me," she remarked, and he wondered whether the bitterness in her tone was due to her frustration with effectively being his prisoner for the moment, or because she was finally believing him.

"I'm sure the Doctor will soon have an answer as to why the procedure didn't restore your memories," he soothed.

All of a sudden she looked like she was about to explode again. "It wouldn't be so bad if whatever he did didn't work _at all_ ," she spat, the fork jingling loudly on her plate as she dropped it. Several heads turned in their direction, but neither Kathryn nor Chakotay paid them any heed. "Then at least I could be sure that this not just an elaborate ruse."

"It's unfortunate that, in addition to not getting your original memories back, you also lost any recollection of the past few days," Chakotay replied, knowing he had to tread very carefully. "I can hardly imagine how you must feel. But I assure you that we won't be leaving Quarra until we've figured out what went wrong."

"And if I want to leave this grand ship of yours?"

There was no way he would let her set foot on the planet again. "I'm afraid I can't allow that."

She huffed and pushed away her plate, crossing her arms in front of her in a gesture of defiance. "If I am, as you say, your captain, shouldn't you be taking orders from me?"

He couldn't help the smile blossoming on his face. "I gladly will again, as soon as you're remembering us all. Until then, I'll keep your chair warm for you."

Kathryn huffed again but made no more objections.

As if on cue, his communicator sounded. "Sickbay to Commander Chakotay."

"Chakotay here."

"Commander, I'd like for the captain to return to sickbay at her earliest convenience. I believe I have found the cause of the problem."

"Perfect timing, Doctor. We'll be right there."

-==/\==-

When the command team arrived in sickbay, the Doctor immediately dismissed Chakotay, citing reasons of confidentiality. The commander didn't look too happy but complied, only insisting that he be notified of important changes or scheduled procedures.

"Well," the Doctor said once they were alone in his office, "Ms. Janeway, I'm going to ask you a question, and I'll need you to answer it truthfully. Are you in love with Mr. Jaffen?"

"What's that got to do with anything?" she bristled.

"Oh, I assure you, it's got everything to do with pinpointing why the memory restoration failed in your case," the EMH replied, not at all perturbed by the woman's outburst. "You see, in order to manipulate the memories of the people they captured, Dr. Kadan devised a number of neuro-chemical treatments to partially inhibit memory retrieval and to selectively superimpose new facts and images in their minds. Likewise, I used a similar method to restore the memories of _Voyager_ 's crew members."

"So?"

"I'm going to explain further in just a minute. First though, I'm asking again: Since it was reported that you and Mr. Jaffen had apparently formed quite a close attachment, am I right in assuming that you're in love with him?"

She stared at him long and hard, but the holographic Doctor simply stared back. Finally, she threw up her hands in surrender. "Yes. Yes, I am! Are you happy now?"

"Quite," he replied smugly, "because it confirms my hypothesis."

Her eyes narrowed. "That being?"

"Love is a serious mental disease. A mind in love will cause the body to produce highly elevated levels of dopamine, norepinephrine and oxytocin. In a healthy, untampered-with brain, these changes don't cause any harm. However, the treatment you underwent on Quarra was quite a delicate procedure, placing a number of chemical markers in your hippocampus that served to keep the manipulated memories active while suppressing the real ones. When you fell in love with Jaffen, your brain chemistry changed, and the markers also underwent a partial transformation."

"I'm a scientist, but not a neurobiologist," Kathryn shrugged. "What you're describing sounds to me as if my true memories should have come back when Jaffen and I got together."

"Ah, but that's the beauty of Dr. Kadan's design," the Doctor explained, but quickly tamped down his enthusiasm when she fixed him with a withering look. "In order to stay active, the markers adapt to your mental state. If you'd fallen out of love again, they would've gone back to their original configuration."

She arched her eyebrows in true Janeway fashion. "And how does this grand discovery of yours help my case?"

He ignored the hint of sarcasm in her statement. "If I adjust my own procedure to compensate for the changes in your brain chemistry, it should work as intended."

"It _should_?" she asked warily.

"I've calculated the probability of complete success at 97.6 percent," he smiled brightly.

"And will the other 2.4 percent make me lose even more memories than you've already taken?"

His smile faltered only fractionally even though her words stung. He'd made a mistake, but couldn't she see that he was doing his damnedest to rectify it? "Not necessarily," he explained patiently. "It's possible that not all of your memories will be restored completely, but if that should happen it will feel similar to a gradual fading that naturally occurs over time anyway."

"Wonderful," she muttered, more to herself than to him. "What if I don't want to risk it?" she then asked point-blank. "What if I decide that, instead of submitting to another experiment of yours, I'd rather stay on Quarra, retaining the memories that I have? They feel real enough to me."

He was out of his depth now, and he knew it. "I will inform Commander Chakotay that I have devised a new treatment plan for you. If you intend to refuse it, you should take it up with him."

She didn't flinch from his gaze, and he saw resolve and doubts mixing in her blue eyes. "I'll need to sleep on that."

"I can give you twelve hours to make up your mind, but no more," he decided, knowing that Chakotay intended to break orbit as soon as everyone was back to their real selves.

"Fine." She rose and turned toward the door. "Am I free to leave?"

He shook his head. "As per the commander's orders, I'm afraid I can't let you roam the ship alone as long as your memories haven't been fully restored." Seeing that she was about to object, he quickly added, "But I will summon Ensign Lang. She will escort you to your quarters."

With another resigned sigh, she crossed her arms and leaned against the doorframe, prompting him to quickly make the promised call.

-==/\==-

Jaffen was just about to retire for the night when his personal commscreen signaled another incoming call. He wasn't surprised. In fact, after his recent conversation with Kathryn and _Voyager_ 's doctor, he'd expected to hear from the ship again soon.

As soon as he pressed the button to accept the call, Kathryn's face appeared on the screen. She looked like she was close to tears, and his heart went out to her.

"Jaffen," she breathed, placing her right hand against the screen as if she could reach through the connection. "I'm so glad you're still awake."

He mirrored her gesture, wishing he could caress her lovely face. "Kathryn." All he wanted, all he'd wanted for the past two days, was to reclaim her from _Voyager_ , take her in his arms and tell her that everything was going to be alright. But he knew that, for both their sakes, he had to restrain himself. The last thing he wanted was to provoke one of them into making promises that might turn out hollow in a few days' time.

The discovery of Dr. Kadan's machinations had sickened him, and the fact that his own memories had not been interfered with had only been a small consolation. Due to his part in uncovering the ploy, he'd been kept busy by the investigating authorities. But when he returned home at night, he missed Kathryn deeply.

When _Voyager_ had hailed him earlier that day, he'd expected to be looking at a 'restored' Captain Janeway who'd politely thank him for his help in recovering all of her personnel. Instead, he'd found himself facing a harried looking doctor and first officer, plus a visibly distraught Kathryn who'd pleaded with him to unravel the charade she'd seemed forced to take part in.

It had nearly broken his heart to tell her the truth. He still held out hope that, once she was restored to her original self, their feelings for each other would remain unchanged, and that she would choose him over her ship. At the same time he knew how unlikely that scenario was. Of the hundreds of workers whose memories had been restored over the past days, only a handful had opted to voluntarily stay on Quarra. With what he'd learned of Kathryn's life before her forced existence as a primary reactor coil monitor, he very much doubted that the planet could hold any long-term appeal for her.

"Kathryn," he repeated, his voice caressing her name and his love for her spilling out through his smile, despite his best efforts not to.

"I miss you so much."

He felt that her affection was genuine. But for how much longer? "I miss you, too," he replied. "These rooms are empty without you."

"I don't even know what we did this past week," she said mournfully. "How many times have we had breakfast or dinner together? Did we go out or stay at home? Please, Jaffen, tell me _something_ ," she pleaded.

He felt his smile grow as he thought back over the days before his world had started to unravel. "Well, I actually did something rash one night. I asked you to move in with me."

Her face showed the same mixture of surprise and excitement as the first time he'd asked her. "Really? What did I say?" She leaned forward, eager to hear his response.

His throat tightened. "What would you say now?"

She took only a moment to decide, and when she spoke, her voice was as low and intense as his. "I would say yes."

"And you did." He caressed the image of her on his monitor. "You started moving your things that very night."

"I wish I could come back. In fact, I'm considering..."

Jaffen's heart sped up, but he forced himself to temper his hopes and keep his voice neutral. "Considering what?"

" _Voyager_ 's Doctor claims he found the flaw in his treatment, and now he wants me to undergo the procedure again. But... I'm not sure if I really want that." She looked at him helplessly. "I just don't want to risk losing any more of my memories. And it should be my decision, shouldn't it?"

"Ordinarily, I would agree with you – of course it should be your decision," Jaffen replied carefully. "However, these are hardly ordinary circumstances."

"It's not like I've lost all sense of who I am," Kathryn scoffed. "I know who my parents are and that I grew up on Earth. I know I have an aptitude for science and advanced qualifications in thermal dynamics and quantum fusion. I know–"

"But how do you know where the truth ends and the fantasy begins?" he asked, his tone hopeless. "Kathryn, we may not have known each other for very long, but it's been long enough for me to learn what urges you on. It's the search for answers, and also the search for the truth. I understand that you're scared. But do you really think that you could be happy long-term, knowing that part of your former life is locked away in your brain, with no way to access it once _Voyager_ leaves?"

"There may be other ways, other treatments," she countered.

"Even if there are, what then? If you decide a year from now to have your memories restored, and then discover that you don't want to stay on Quarra after all, _Voyager_ will be long gone!" He could hardly believe that he was actively advocating the procedure that would most likely take her away from him.

"Are you telling me to disregard everything we have?"

"I'm telling you to listen to the people up there with you. They _know_ you. The real you. They know what you would want."

"I want _you_ ," she pleaded. "I love you."

"I love you, too." Jaffen sighed. "Kathryn, please. I would love nothing better than for you to come back and stay here, with me. But if you do, it needs to be because you really want to, and not just because it seems the most convenient solution right now."

She was silent, mulling over his words. Then she asked tentatively, "Why did we get involved in all this, anyway? How did Chakotay and his people convince us to help them recover their crew?"

"Commander Chakotay sought you out and told you all his findings. You were skeptical, but eventually you agreed to help him."

"Why?"

"Because you trusted him. At least that's what you told me."

Kathryn heaved another sigh. "If only I could remember that." She leaned back. "Do _you_ trust him?"

"I didn't at first," he admitted. "His story sounded too preposterous to be true. But then the evidence became overwhelming, and I realized that he'd been telling the truth all along."

"I'm not asking whether you believe him, but whether you _trust_ him," she insisted.

Jaffen didn't hesitate. "I do." _And I think he cares about you a lot_ , he added silently but thought it better to keep that piece of observation to himself.

-==/\==-

Chakotay rang the chime at Kathryn's quarters for a second time, wondering if she'd already gone off to breakfast without him. Then the door opened and she stood before him, looking slightly flustered.

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize what that sound was," she explained, stepping aside. "I thought there was a message on the computer."

"No problem," he assured her. "Did you find everything you needed last night?"

"Yes, everything was fine. I even found the pictures you mentioned."

He'd purposely let her stay in her own quarters but restricted her computer access to just a few basic functions. When he'd dropped her off the previous night, he'd also suggested that she check out her wardrobe and the photos he knew she kept in a drawer in her bedroom, hoping that they might give her a sense of who she really was.

"Did anything look familiar?"

"I recognized my parents and my sister," she nodded. "And some places seem similar to what I remember, but also different. Mainly... greener than they should be." A detail from one of her early conversations with Jaffen flitted through her mind. She'd told him that Earth was overpopulated and polluted, and that that had been one of the reasons why she'd left. Her family pictures told a different story though. "I suppose he's right," she said to herself, frowning.

"Who?"

"Jaffen. He said that if I just keep the memories I have, I'll never know which parts of them are actually true." She looked him straight in the eye. "I spent most of the night debating whether that would bother me at some point."

Chakotay's heart sank. He honestly didn't know how to react if she refused further treatments and demanded to stay on Quarra.

Kathryn suddenly stepped closer to him and reached up to finger the rank bar on his collar. "I noticed that people on this ship wear different insignia. Some have little dots in various combinations, but others have these longer bars like you. Why is that?"

Caught off-guard by her non sequitur, he struggled to formulate an answer that wouldn't require hours of further explanation. "I used to have my own ship, but it was destroyed in a battle with a race called the Kazon. _Voyager_ rescued my crew and then took us on because we had nowhere else to go. Some of your crew had also been killed in battle, your first officer among them, so you offered the job to me and I accepted. All of those with rank bars instead of pips used to be part of my crew."

"Is that how we first met?" She was still standing close, much closer than she usually would.

Chakotay forced his voice to sound normal. "Yes."

"How long ago was that?"

"More than six years."

"Six years? And we've been commanding _Voyager_ together ever since?"

"Yes." _Except when we were marooned together on New Earth, thinking we'd be there for the rest of our lives. Or when a bout of depression chained you to your quarters while we traversed the Void, and you hardly paid any attention to what went on outside of your door_. Those and a few other, similar thoughts hovered on the tip of his tongue, but he managed to keep them to himself.

"Six years," she repeated thoughtfully, her eyes fixed on something beyond his shoulder. Then she refocused on him. "You and I, are we... close?" His hesitation gave him away, prompting her to press further. "How close?"

Chakotay thought it highly ironic that within the space of just a few weeks, he was faced with two different incarnations of her who didn't remember him but asked the exact same question. Since he knew what she needed to hear so as not to doubt his motives, he opted for the same reply. "Let's just say that there are some barriers we never cross."

Her eyes flashed and, just as on that day in _Voyager_ 's past two months ago, he couldn't help feeling that if he'd told her the truth, she might have kissed him.

Kathryn stepped back, breaking the moment, her hand falling to her side. "So, what's for breakfast?"

Ten minutes later, they were once again seated in the mess hall, bending over bowls of a turquoise, lumpy concoction.

Chakotay experimentally dipped his spoon into the viscous substance and wrinkled his nose. "I can't believe Neelix is actually calling this oatmeal."

"I take it you're not a fan of his cooking," Kathryn quipped. "And from the looks of it, you're not alone. Why do you all tolerate it?"

"Well, it started out as a way to conserve energy. In those days, we had barely enough power to keep all the essential systems operational. Over time though, Neelix's services as morale officer far outweighed his shortcomings as a cook. Without him, I don't think we'd have made it this far." Chakotay took a mouthful of his food, shuddered, and swallowed. "And if nothing else, his culinary experiments always make for excellent small talk and commiseration."

Kathryn chuckled and then picked at her food, only tasting small bites. "So when are you going to ask me?"

Chakotay almost choked. "Ask you what?"

She looked at him strangely, and he once again had to remind himself that she was missing almost seven years of subtext in their interactions. She knew nothing about their banter, their flirting, the innuendo hidden in seemingly innocent statements. She didn't know that, on a lonely planet five years in their past, they'd been lovers _–_ a time that he counted as the happiest of his life. But she also didn't know about the restraints they'd imposed on themselves after their return for the good of the ship, the pain of which still haunted him. And, he suspected, her as well. Maybe he should be happy for her that for a few weeks at least, she'd been freed of that burden.

"What I've decided. About your doctor's new procedure," she clarified.

He relaxed. "Oh, right. Are you going to go through with it?"

"Yes," she declared, more firmly than he'd dared to hope. "I'm still scared of something else going wrong, but I have to at least try."

Chakotay knew that his relief showed all too clearly on his face. "What made you decide?"

"A combination of things." She gave him a small, crooked smile. "But mainly, after what I've heard of _Voyager_ 's journey so far, I couldn't live with myself if I didn't. I... owe it to Captain Janeway to find out if she's really inside me somewhere, and whether she can be retrieved."

"I know she's still there," he declared with conviction.

"I actually hope you're right." She picked at her food again, eating another couple of bites.

Chakotay watched her, remembering a thought he'd had shortly before falling asleep the night before. "It might make you feel better to know that it's happened to me, too."

She gave up on her breakfast and regarded him curiously. "What has?"

"The memory manipulation. Not remembering who I really was. Actually, that time we were both affected, but it was you who came back to yourself first and then convinced me to work with you."

She leaned forward, resting her chin on her folded hands. "Tell me about it."

He gave her a short run-down of how the Hirogen had turned _Voyager_ into their personal hunting grounds, making the crew believe they were fighting in the Second World War in France.

"I was the leader of the resistance?"

"You were, and a formidable one at that."

"I find that hard to believe."

"Just look around you." He gestured to the room at large and she followed his gaze. By this time, almost all the tables were occupied with people chatting and laughing over breakfast. "All the people you see here are here because of you. You led them this far, you continue to inspire in them in the belief that someday, _Voyager_ will make it back to the Alpha Quadrant, and back to Earth. There were opportunities every now and then to leave the ship, stay behind on some planet and make a life there, but no one ever did."

She smiled a little uncertainly. "Somehow I have a feeling that you also deserve your share of the credit. Merging two unfamiliar crews in the aftermath of battle can't have been easy, even if they shared the same background."

Chakotay figured that this was not the time to fill her in on the differences between Starfleet and the Maquis. If all went well, she'd regain all that knowledge shortly, anyway. "There were some difficulties and even setbacks," he replied as truthfully as possible. "But we managed to overcome them together."

"Sounds like we make a rather spectacular team."

He returned her smile, marveling at her perceptiveness. Either of them could have commanded _Voyager_ alone, but it was true that they were strongest as a team _–_ a duet of voices weaving around each other, complementary even in their contradictions. And when they disagreed, peril was often right around the corner. "We've certainly had our moments," he laughed, and when she joined in, he couldn't help thinking how much he wished to be able to reminisce like this with her more often, without all the painful baggage of the past between them.

-==/\==-

When she woke up this time, there was no pain. That was a relief, because she clearly remembered how her head had throbbed after the first failed procedure. She also knew where she was _–_ on _Voyager_ , in sickbay _–_ and why she was here. Without opening her eyes, Kathryn searched her mind for signs of success or failure of her latest memory restoration treatment.

Jaffen. He was the first thought that came to mind. She remembered their evening at the bar, how he'd asked her to move in with him, how blissfully happy she'd been when she did. But she also recalled their last talk over the commlink and how desperate she'd felt to be with him again. Now she had to tell him that she wouldn't be coming back.

Chakotay. That ridiculous prosthetic makeup he'd worn. Even if she hadn't been brainwashed, she probably would've had trouble recognizing him. Looking back now, with her memories apparently restored, on how he'd tried to convey the situation to her, she was all the more stunned that she hadn't dismissed his improbable story outright. There must have been _something_ that triggered a visceral response, telling her that this man could be trusted and she better listen to him. The feeling was beyond explanation _–_ the reason for which she didn't want to think about right now.

Tom. Always the outsider. Falling back into old habits, one might say. Rejecting authority and rules, gravitating toward the more recreative sides of life. But when called upon in a crunch, he'd proven time and again that his heart and mind were in the right place.

Other faces swam past her mind's eye, fellow workers at the plant, fellow patrons at the bar. Seven, Tuvok, Chell, Lang. _Voyager_ crew everywhere. How could she not have recognized them?

A hand tentatively touched her shoulder. "Captain, are you awake?"

Opening her eyes, she smiled up at the EMH. "It's good to be back, Doctor."

-==/\==-

Things on _Voyager_ returned to normal almost too fast. With the captain's memories restored, there was no more reason to delay their departure. Less than a day after the Doctor declared Kathryn Janeway fit for duty again, the ship broke orbit and resumed its course for Earth.

As Kathryn sat in her accustomed seat on the bridge and watched the stars streak by on the forward viewscreen, she reflected on the events of the past few weeks. It was true that, once she'd remembered her true past, she didn't feel sorry at all that Chakotay had spared no effort to rescue her and everyone else. And yet her parting from Jaffen had been bittersweet. Her feelings for him had been real and remained so, even now. Despite the possible complications, she couldn't help wishing that he'd insisted on coming along in whatever capacity, just so they could remain together. But he wasn't the kind of person to impose his will on others and he also didn't want to be perceived as the captain's toy boy. So after one last, passionate encounter, they'd let each other go.

She sighed.

Chakotay looked up from the padd he'd been reading. "You okay?"

"Fine. Still a little flashed from the dual memories I have now."

He frowned. "I thought the Doctor said that the implanted memories would be removed by the procedure?"

"They should fade within 48 hours, but for now they're still there, although getting weaker. Like something from a dream rooted in reality, but skewed."

"Sounds confusing." He echoed her weak smile. "You know, I'd love to hear what the Quarran version of Earth was like. It must've been pretty bad to ostensibly drive everyone to leave. Would you care to tell me about it over dinner?"

"I'd like that." She needed to get back into her routines, and dinner with Chakotay would be a welcome step toward normalcy. "But you'll have to cook. Even the Quarran replicators conspired against me."

"Some things don't change, eh?" he laughed. Then he reached across the center console to lightly touch her hand. "It's good to have you back, Kathryn."

She smiled, her first genuine smile since waking up in sickbay again. "This is where I belong. Thank you for not giving up on me."

-==/\==-

Chakotay was looking forward to their dinner with a mix of eagerness and trepidation. As he'd told her, he indeed wanted to hear more about her life on Quarra, and especially about how convincing her altered memories had been. But he also wondered whether she needed more time to put the experience behind her. After all, she'd been manipulated on a very personal level. A violation like that was bound to leave some emotional scars. And then there was also the matter of Jaffen.

His ruminations were interrupted by the door chime, and a moment later Kathryn stood in his living room. She looked a little lost as she took in her surroundings as if seeing them for the first time. Handing her a glass of wine, Chakotay waited patiently until she had collected herself.

"Thank you," she finally said, looking up with an expression of surprise as if she'd just become aware of the glass in her hand. "That smells delicious. What is it?"

"Spinach lasagna," he replied as they took their seats. "I decided against adding leola root, even though you seemed to develop a liking for it the other day."

Kathryn broke out laughing. "Oh, don't remind me! I still don't understand how my taste buds could deceive me so utterly!"

"I think Neelix very much appreciated your enthusiasm," he winked. "And I wouldn't be surprised if he reminded you often of the occasion."

She groaned. "Maybe I'd better not eat in the mess hall for while. I have a reputation to uphold."

They continued swapping good-natured banter, and Chakotay reveled in the feeling of having the 'old' Kathryn back. Part of his good mood was caused by the fact that they'd now left Quarra and Jaffen behind for good. He knew that his feeling of 'if I can't have her, nobody should' was terribly wrong, but her earlier assurances about not being sorry that he came back for her only added fuel to the flames.

-==/\==-

For her part, Kathryn experienced a wild mix of emotions. She was infinitely grateful to Chakotay for easing her transition back into her old self, but she also felt guilty for using him as a diversion to soothe her broken heart. When she described a short trip to the mountains she'd taken with Jaffen, Chakotay rose to refill her glass and his own. Since they'd finished their meal, they took their wine and settled on his couch, a little further apart than they usually would.

"You must miss him very much," Chakotay remarked, swirling the wine around in his glass and avoiding meeting her eyes.

"I really do," she sighed, catching his slight frown only because she was watching him closely. Smiling wistfully, she added, "I actually thought about offering him a position aboard _Voyager_."

That got his attention. "You did?"

"But then I had to explain how, as captain, it wouldn't be appropriate for me to..."

He nodded, sparing her the need for reiterating what they both knew. "Do you think he would have accepted if you had offered?"

"I honestly don't know. Part of me thinks he would have, and that maybe it would even have worked out. But then you never know how these things pan out." She shrugged. "Just look at you and Kellin. If she'd stayed the first time _–“_

"Hold on." He held up a hand to stop her, a deeper frown now creasing his forehead. "Me and who?"

"Kellin."

"Who's that?"

"The Ramuran woman whom we discovered hiding on _Voyager_ three years ago? She was chasing a fugitive. Tall, blonde..." Kathryn broke off, perplexed by Chakotay's total lack of recognition. "Come on, you can't have forgotten."

"Really, Kathryn, I have no idea what you're taking about," Chakotay said rather forcefully. "If by tall and blonde you're referring to Riley Frazier, I don't under _–“_

"Not Riley, Kellin!" Kathryn shot back. "I know we were supposed to forget about her soon after she was gone, but obviously that didn't work." The memory was so sharply etched into her mind that all her repressed feelings of jealousy toward the Ramuran came back the moment she focused on it. Her relief when Kellin had left the first time with her prisoner, her indignation when the woman had returned a month later to claim Chakotay's love once more. Then more relief once she'd left for good, but also pity at what the Tracer had done to her. And concern for Chakotay...

_She ran into Neelix on her way to the mess hall._

_"Ah, Captain," the stout Talaxian greeted her. "I'm afraid the galley is closed down for the night."_

_"That's alright, Neelix, I've already eaten. Have you seen Commander Chakotay?" She knew he was there – the ship's computer had told her as much – but she hoped that Neelix might give her a hint as to Chakotay's mood._

_"Oh yes, he's sitting in the mess hall all by his lonesome." Neelix leaned closer, lowering his voice. "I think he's pretty shook up, even though he tries to cover it."_

_"That's why I thought I'd check on him."_

_"I'm sure he'll appreciate that." He gave her an approving nod. "Good luck, Captain."_

_"Thank you, Neelix. Goodnight."_

_She found Chakotay at a table right inside the door, an old-fashioned pen in his hand, suspended over a half-filled sheet of paper. He was gazing straight ahead, a vacant expression on his face, and didn't seem to notice her._

_"Hey." She touched his shoulder, making him jump. "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you."_

_He stared at her as if needing a moment to figure out who she was. "Kathryn. I guess I was lost in thought."_

_"What are you doing?" She eyed his writing curiously._

_"Oh, this." He brushed a hand over the half-written page as if to smooth out a minuscule wrinkle. "I figured that only paper would be impervious to the Ramuran effect. Pheromones won't delete the ink and it can't be affected by any sort of computer manipulation."_

_"So you're afraid of forgetting her again?" She was still standing next to him and debated whether she should sit down, but since he made no move to ask her to she figured that he'd probably prefer to be alone. Yet she couldn't make herself leave. Personally, she was entirely ready to forget the whole affair. Seeing Chakotay getting involved with Kellin had cost her several nights of sleep, and offering the young woman asylum had been harder still. Kathryn knew she had no right to be jealous, not after she'd made it clear to Chakotay after New Earth that as long as they were on_ Voyager _, she saw no way for them to be together as a couple. But that he'd fallen in love so easily – twice even – rankled her. Finding now that he'd even devised a way to circumvent the Ramuran memory inhibitor only added to her displeasure._

_"I'm still trying to figure out whether she manipulated me in some way," Chakotay replied, looking sheepish. "Did I fall for her only because she said it had happened before? I don't really think that was the case, but I won't ever be sure. So if anything like this ever happens again, I'll at least have a record to compare."_

_"That sounds sensible," Kathryn heard herself say, even though all she wanted to do was rip the paper from his hands and reduce it to confetti. "I'll leave you to it then. Goodnight."_

_She turned but he caught her hand, stopping her momentum. When he looked up at her, she was caught in the warmth of his smile._

_"Thank you for stopping by," he said, lightly squeezing her hand. "And also for what you tried to do for Kellin. She very much appreciated it, and so do I."_

_She smiled a little unsteadily, nodded, and fled._

Three years had passed since then, but Kathryn felt the sting in her heart as sharply as if Kellin had left only yesterday. "How could you forget when I didn't? Never mind that," she interrupted herself when he opened his mouth. "Where did you put the papers?"

"The what?"

Kathryn was fast losing her patience now. "The letter to yourself, the journal entry, whatever it was you were writing when I looked you up in the mess hall after she'd left."

Chakotay held up his hand again. "Kathryn, please. I assure you that I have no memory of anything you just told me."

She leaned back, completely confused. How could this be? Had Dr. Kadan managed to alter Chakotay's memories as well before he'd been rescued from the Quarran medical facility? No, that didn't seem probable. Then she found the solution. "We need to find those papers."

Chakotay sighed but apparently decided that humoring her would be easier than fighting her. "Fine. Where do you want me to look?"

She let her gaze travel about the room. As most officer's quarters, Chakotay's cabin was only sparsely furnished. There really wasn't much opportunity to hide anything. "Where would you keep personal documents?"

He shrugged. "Most of my records are in the computer. I have a few books and some prints that I bought here and there, but that's it."

"Let's take a look at those," she decided. "Maybe you put the papers in one of the books."

"Alright." Chakotay still looked doubtful but did as she asked. Their wine glasses were pushed to the side as he fetched a small stack of books and also brought out the landscape prints that he'd meant to hang on his bedroom wall but wanted to build frames for first.

Kathryn carefully examined each item, shaking out the books to uncover loose pages and checking the backs of the pictures for anything that might be attached there. "There's nothing here. Think, Chakotay. There must be some place else where you keep stuff."

He started to shake his head but stopped mid-motion, his eyes widening slightly. "There is, but I don't think... No, that's impossible."

"Check it anyway," she commanded, noting his reluctance with some unease. But she _–_ they _–_ needed to get to the bottom of this mystery now.

He still hesitated but finally moved toward his bedroom. Kathryn followed. Chakotay opened his closet and then knelt down, reaching to the very back of the space and finally emerging with a small box.

"I haven't taken this out in years," he said as he straightened. "And I really don't think that those documents you're looking for are in here. But from what you've said, it might... fit."

She wasn't sure what he was trying to say, but right now it didn't matter. "Well, what are you waiting for?"

He shot her another look that she couldn't quite decipher and then gingerly set the box down on his bed. With a slowness bordering on reverence, he finally lifted the lid.

The first thing she saw when she stepped closer was the carved wooden figure of a monkey. Struck dumb with surprise, she watched as Chakotay lifted it out and set it aside. The figure had been cushioned by a piece of woven fabric in earthy hues, and she recognized a wall hanging that had once adorned a drab Starfleet shelter. Some pressed leaves came next, and a handful of brightly polished stones. Finally, two sample pieces of wood _–_ a type of wood she remembered all too well from the labor of love Chakotay had gifted to her so many years ago. Eyes moist from the rush of memories evoked by the string of keepsakes from New Earth, she finally dared to speak. "You've kept... all this... all these years?"

He shrugged, avoiding her gaze. "I couldn't just throw it out, could I?" Reaching into the box again, he pulled out several folded sheets of paper, turned them over in his hands and finally offered them to her. "Is this what you've been looking for?"

Kathryn didn't move. "I don't know. I've never read it, and I'm not sure I should."

Chakotay shrugged again and unfolded the documents. As soon as he started reading, his expression changed to one of disbelief. He frowned, quickly shuffled through the sheets, then returned to the first one and started over. As he turned page after page, he became so absorbed that Kathryn suddenly felt like an intruder. She slowly backed out of the room and, after one last look at their half-empty wine glasses and the books strewn about the couch table, she quietly let herself out. There'd be time enough to talk further tomorrow.

-==/\==-

Again and again, Chakotay read the account of what had happened between himself and Kellin, and how he'd mourned the loss of her love after she'd been treated with the neurolytic emitter. He recognized his own hand-writing, but the content seemed foreign, like a romance novel conceived by a lonely, disenchanted mind. Still, there could be no doubt that he'd been the author of these pages, and that he'd written them in the clear knowledge that he was about to forget all about the events described. The account also contained a very detailed description of Kellin herself, as well as a full explanation of the how and why of his impeding memory loss.

After yet another read-through of the inconceivable story, Chakotay finally seized on one particular detail. If Ramuran physiology unfailingly caused other species to forget about meeting them, and if Kellin had left once before and not been remembered by _anyone_ on _Voyager_ after her return, how come Kathryn knew about her now?

He turned to ask her, but found that she was gone. Even greater was his surprise when he discovered that more than three hours had passed since they'd sat down to dinner together. After debating with himself for no more than a minute, he headed down the corridor to ring the chime on her door.

-==/\==-

Kathryn had gone to bed shortly after returning to her quarters, but had lain awake for a long time, thoughts tumbling through her head. She'd finally fallen into a fitful slumber that was harshly interrupted by the sound of her doorchime. Rather than calling for lights, she grabbed her robe from the chair near her bed and went to open the door, squinting at the bright light that spilled in from the corridor.

"How could you possibly know about this?" Chakotay asked as he entered and let the door close behind him. Darkness wrapped around them, broken only by the faint starlight from the viewport, coloring the papers in his hand the same shade of grey as her robe.

She yawned but tried to hide it. "I spoke to the Doctor. He suspects that the Ramuran pheromones don't work on humans quite the way Kellin described. In other words, instead of preventing the recollection of her from being stored in our long-term memory, it was simply suppressed, in a similar way to what Dr. Kadan did. And my second treatment removed that block along with the other."

His eyes narrowed. "So the Doctor confirmed that what you remember, and what I described here," he held up his documents, "did actually happen?"

She turned away from him and crossed to her couch, curling up in a corner and tucking her feet under her body. "Let's say he thinks it less likely that you and I fell victim to the same kind of delusion."

"I'm still having trouble believing it," he said after a pause. "But I guess the evidence doesn't leave me much choice."

"You sound as if the thought is repulsive to you," she observed sarcastically. "Kellin was beautiful and smart, and she loved you enough to come back to us even though she knew she would be hunted by her own people. You should be flattered."

"Well, I suppose I got over her soon enough," he shrugged, "considering I didn't even remember that I'd written everything down."

She shook her head. "The first time she left, you practically begged her to stay, but at the time, she refused. You were fine only after your memories of her had faded completely. The second time, you were even more heartbroken and morose. You just could not understand why her feelings for you were gone for good." Kathryn tried to keep her voice level, but the memory stirred old wounds and she couldn't hide her bitterness completely.

Chakotay immediately picked up on the change in her demeanor. "Why are you so mad at me?"

"Because, when she came back, she even warned us that she was being pursued," she snapped. "You asked me to risk the safety of _Voyager_ just because your lost lover had returned!"

"At least I had the grace to ask you."

His half-muttered comment got her hackles up. "What do you mean?"

"You said you contemplated offering Jaffen the opportunity to join us. Were you going to ask my opinion on that?" His voice was now as bitter as hers.

Kathryn opted for feigned incomprehension. "Why would I need to?"

"Because we're a team, as you so aptly observed yourself only yesterday."

That took the wind out of her sails and she fell silent, brooding about how memory manipulation was even more tiresome than time travel.

"Kathryn, are you jealous of a woman I can't even remember?"

She wanted to deny it, but then she remembered how reserved he had been toward Jaffen. So she countered, "Are you jealous of a man I met while I wasn't myself?"

He looked taken aback for a second but then nodded firmly. "Yes."

"Then I guess you have your answer."

Another silence ensued. Kathryn turned to look out at the stars streaking by the viewport, confirming that _Voyager_ continued speeding away from Quarra at warp five. A piece of her heart had stayed behind on the planet, and the loss stung her deeply. She felt the couch dip slightly as Chakotay settled at the other end, but it was a long time until he spoke again.

"You know what they say about the pleasures and pain of love, right?"

She nodded, not trusting her voice. Of course she knew. Pleasure was temporary, a fleeting feeling that didn't seem made to last. Every serious love affair she'd ever had had ended in pain. Justin. Mark. Chakotay. Jaffen. Even her flings with Michael and Kashyk had left her feeling empty.

"We've both had our share of pleasures over the years, but as for me, it was never enough to drive out the pain. Was it for you?"

She turned back to face him, not sure what exactly he was getting at. "What pain?"

His arm was stretched out along the back of the couch, his index finger tracing random patterns against the fabric. His earlier belligerent tone was gone. "Of what is, or rather is not, between _us_."

Memories rushed back, sharp and clear, of their time on New Earth. Of the discoveries they'd made there, their mutual declarations of love, and the pleasures they'd shared for an all too brief time. After their return to _Voyager_ , the pain about their shattered love-affair had settled deep in both their hearts, creating wounds that still showed no signs of healing.

They were like two musical instruments playing in counterpoint, sometimes opposing each other in dissonance, other times weaving together in the most beautiful melody. Their duet was forever the undercurrent of life on _Voyager_ , setting the tone for morale and well-being of almost one hundred and fifty dependant individuals aboard. Their pain was everyone's pain, so they'd always done their best to mask it.

"No," she shook her head mournfully, answering his question.

His hand reached out to capture hers, weaving their fingers together. "Did you love him?"

"Yes," she whispered. "And I know I'm not the only one hurting because of it."

He seemed to weigh his words carefully before he spoke, but when he did there was no hint of accusation in his tone. "No, you're not. Just like I realize now that I wasn't when Kellin left, only I couldn't remember long enough to notice."

She squeezed his hand, realizing that hurt would be their constant companion for as long as _Voyager_ remained lost. And even if they returned home, the pain of past digressions would probably never completely vanish.

It was this pain that made her believe that the love they found on New Earth was still there, although no longer as pure as it had been, and buried under layers and layers of obligations and distractions. Because if it weren't, they both wouldn't hurt so damn much. "What do we do now?"

He shrugged, his fingers still linked with hers, his thumb stroking lightly over her palm. "Same as always, I suppose. Go on, fight, make up. Be disappointed. Make up again. Support each other even when we disagree."

She chuckled. "Sounds like an old married couple."

His thumb's motion stopped. "You know I'd marry you in a heartbeat," he said, his face and voice as sober as she'd ever seen him.

She nodded, her expression equally serious. "I know."

They sat in silence after that, hands still loosely clasped together, yet their thoughts lightyears apart. Kathryn knew she'd need time to get over Jaffen, and she suspected that Chakotay would keep thinking about Kellin for some time to come.

But their duet would continue, sometimes as fluid as a waltz, other times as wild as flamenco. And even when they seemed to grow apart, an intangible tether prevailed, delicate yet resilient like a spider's thread, anchoring them to one another. It was that connection, that quiet love for each other that often seemed to be the one constant in their tumultuous lives. And beyond their disagreements, the heartaches, and the pain, there was no doubt in Kathryn's mind that once _Voyager_ reached home, that love would finally be allowed to flourish.

-==/ The End. \==-

**Author's Note:**

> "Pleasure of love lasts but a moment. Pain of love lasts a lifetime." – Bette Davis


End file.
